I weep and I cry. I curse people I think have hurt me and who give no importance to me. I curse them and hate them from the deepest pit of my heart. But this heart of mine is black! Because what I forget every time I get hurt is that I have hurt several others too, and I have hurt some of them so bad that God won’tever forgive me. I write this as I sit in front of the computer after a confrontation with my mother who sits in the background, crying, because of me!
A similar scene happened a few days ago when I misbehaved with her. She cried that day too and I still haven’tgotten over it“¦ but I strike again and she falls to my words, yet again. I don’twant to hurt her, and I mean it, but still I do. Every time it’s the same old story of me not being able to understand and ending up blurting thorns at her. But she still somehow manages to forgive. I often wonder how“¦ and why. If I was in her place I would have definitely slapped the hell out of me and never even looked at me again. But she doesn’tdo this. Moreover, when I cry or be the most unreasonable creature on earth and go to her in the strangest of moods, she is all for me. She is genuinely there for me every single time“¦ I am crying as I write this, there is this huge sob in my throat that simply refuses to either go in or come out and it is hurting. But I guess it doesn’thurt more than it hurts her. I can still hear her sniffs coming from near the kitchen. I shouldn’thave talked to her in that tone“¦ and I am really very sorry. I have said this to her time and again but I guess this word has lost its meaning in the course of time“¦ for her“¦ and for me too.
I don’tknow why I am writing this because she would never read it. But I want her to. I want her to know that it hurts really badly when she cries, and it hurts even more when it is because of me. I don’tmean to but it just happens“¦
I am sorry ma! I hope you forgive me“¦ this time too“¦
